A short update

I don’t want to get into too much detail, as I have someplace to go shortly, but…

 

  • M and I broke up back in mid-February.  We’re trying to stay friends.  It’s incredibly hard on me, considering I still love him so damn much.  We broke up because of the fact that we love each other – too much.  And the fact that M just can’t handle dating someone who’s in a relationship with someone else.  I wish that we could make it work, somehow, but he wants what he wants, and I don’t fit into what he wants.  It would hurt us both in the end if we tried to slap a bandaid on things and move on.
  • Things with A have stalled somewhat.  I dunno if they’ll go anywhere.
  • There’s lots of drama involving a third person, C – he wanted to date me while he was with his ex-girlfriend, but the ex was not fond of the idea.  So, when he finally got to the point where he was single and could cope with dating again, he decided to try to pursue things.  Husband said that C needed to pull himself together and be on a more even keel before he’d be okay with us dating.  Which is good, which is sane.  But C flip-flopped back into some stupid shit about wanting to be back with his ex, about how he loves her so much that he would marry her – even though she’s moved on.  Despite the fact that I have feelings for C, I am staying the fuck away right now.

That’s what’s going on with Belle’s Love Life.  I’ll write more later, I promise.

And suddenly, I find myself falling

Is it because I’m not happy with my relationship with Husband?  Is it because I’m sick of worrying when the next explosion with M will happen?

Or, with a happier viewpoint – is it because there’s something in me that has no finite amount of love, no limits on how many people I can care for?

Either way, I find myself falling for another man.  We’ll call him A.  There’s nothing majorly huge going on with A – at least, not at the moment.  We have fun together.  It’s drama-free fun, which is refreshing.  We’re insanely attracted to each other, have had secret crushes on each other for quite some time.  And I’ve discovered that I care about him – a lot.  Nowhere near the frightening l-word that I’m pretty sure Husband thinks I just toss out like candy.  But I’m… attached to A.  We’ve told each other some of our deepest secrets, and neither of us have been scared away yet, so that’s a good thing.  He’s very… guarded, though.  Half the time, I can’t tell what he’s thinking, what he’s feeling.  He’s said he cares about me, though.  And I’ve been wrestling with this for days – especially since Thursday night, where we had some bad weather and he had to stay on my couch because he doesn’t do well driving in the snow.  At first, Husband was upset about A having to stay over – then again, Husband was stressed from writing a paper, and was in a mood because of that.  But since A stayed the night, we ended up seeing a number of sides of each other that I sure as hell don’t reveal to others.  Like the side of me that hasn’t had coffee yet, with a serious case of bedhead, decked out in pajamas and a pink bathrobe.  It’s strange.  I still feel vulnerable, after all that.

I haven’t told Husband yet.  I’m not sure how he’ll take it.  I’m pretty sure he won’t react favorably – however, the fact that I’ve been taking things ridiculously slow with A may help my case.  I dunno.  Plus, A is a hell of a lot more… stable, I think, than M.  Sure, M’s stable, too, but his financial situation is always a wreck and things always seem so… intense.  It’s gotten us in trouble before.  Maybe he’ll be okay with me having feelings for A.  Maybe he’ll freak out and tell me he’s leaving me.  I don’t know.

I do know that M will be upset.  Really upset.  He doesn’t like having to share me with Husband as it is, and does get jealous, even though he constantly says “I’m not allowed to get jealous.”  I know how he feels.  He doesn’t want anyone else taking away from the little bit of time we do get together, I think.  And when I’ve mentioned A to him before, he’s definitely gotten jealous and then defensive.  He doesn’t want me dating anyone else besides him, I don’t think.  Hell, he gets jealous when I flirt with my girl friend, S, and mention that I’ve kissed her or something.

I don’t know.  I just don’t know.  This whole situation leaves my head hurting.  I want to see where things go with A.  I really like him.  But I don’t want to piss off Husband or M in the process.  And A and I are already in a situation that makes things weird, which I can’t really talk about without possibly losing the anonymous tone of this writing space.

Why can’t life just be uncomplicated?  Why can’t I have a husband like S’s boyfriend, who is fine with his wife having multiple significant others?  Why did I end up finding people I wanted to date after I got married, and not before, not when I’d told Husband I was polyamorous initially?

 

Fuck.

Looking up

Things are looking up again.  I feel like I can take a deep breath again, and not have to worry about all the ridiculous little things that were plaguing me over most of the past month.

Husband and I spent a wonderful week out of state, visiting family members and generally being lazy.  It was nice, not having to worry about work and classes and life getting in the way.  Things were a little stressful with M, since I was struggling to find my footing with him as well as try to work things out between us.  It was rough.  I flew from “this is going to work out just fine!” to “OH GOD OH GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE” to “Maybe I should just break up with him, I don’t know, is this even something I should be fighting for at this point?”  But things settled down.  I had a long talk with Husband on one of our lengthy car rides over the past week.  A couple of long talks, actually.  And things got sorted out, for the most part.

I’m going to take it slowly with M for the next few weeks.  I don’t want another explosion.  Because if things do explode one more time, I’m just going to end things – it’s not good for any of us if our lives keep exploding every three months.

Trying

I’m trying.  On a lot of things right now.

I’m trying to keep the lines of communication between Husband and I open.  I don’t know just how open he wants these lines to be – and part of what got me into this mess in the first place was thinking he didn’t want to know all the intimate details of me being intimate with M.  I guess I was wrong there.  But we’re trying to talk more.  I’m trying to be  more open.  And I’m focusing on his needs more.  Just have to remember to find the balance that keeps both our needs satisfied – because if I go focusing on his needs too much, then I’ll be neglecting myself, and things will not go well from there.

I’m trying to keep my chin up, when it comes to M.  This whole relationship hibernation thing has me… afraid, on edge.  I’m worried that when we re-evaluate things in mid-January, that things won’t continue.  That he’ll have had enough, and just try to find a non-poly relationship.  If that happens, I won’t lie – it’ll hurt.  But I want him to be happy.  If that happiness doesn’t include me, or only includes me as a friend, then so be it.  I care about him, so much, that I’m not going to force him to be with me just because I’m in love with him.  That’d be all sorts of fucked up.

Thankfully, we’re heading out of town soon, and I’ll be able to get some space from things.  Enjoy a change of venue.  We’re visiting Husband’s family for the holidays, and stopping by my mother’s on the way back home, at the tail end of our vacation.  It’ll be nice to get away from the drama and the stress, and hopefully return home with with a fresh mind and a healing heart.

Difficulties, part 2

Last night ended up with Husband and I yelling at each other.  He tells me I need to focus more on him.  That I need to be more attentive to his needs.  And I try.  Dammit, I try.  But how can I be attentive to his needs if he will not communicate them to me?

M and I are in… relationship hibernation right now.  We don’t want to let each other go, but we know we can’t go on as we’ve done so far.  Husband needs to know I am first in his heart.  Husband needs it pounded into his brain, it feels like.  And M, in his near-infinite patience, has stuck with me again, through another rough patch.  But how many rough patches will he be around for?  Will he decide that enough is enough, and go find a monogamous relationship, something that suits how he’s wired better?  I mean, if that happens, yes, I’ll hurt, but I want him to be happy.  I want him to not have to worry about whether his girlfriend’s husband is going to freak out about something little.  I want him to be able to have someone who can do everything with him.

I also want Husband to realize that I love him, no matter what.  No matter who else is in my life.  I married him, after all.  I wash his clothes, make the bed we sleep in, feed our tiny little pet fish when I remember, help cook meals with him, and listen to him rant when school is driving him crazy.  I hug him close when he’s depressed, we ride our mopeds together when it’s nice out, and we snuggle together every morning before the alarm goes off.

I wish I could keep everyone happy.

Difficulties

Well, I spent the day at M’s – first day in a couple of months, and it wasn’t the entire day – more like a couple of hours.  I get home, and Husband is standoffish, quiet, like he usually is when I get home.

After me being home for about three hours, he asks if M and I… “did it”.  I asked him to clarify what “it” was, and he said sex, because I apparently smell like condoms.

WHAT THE HELL kind of thing is that to say?  I’m pretty sure what he’s smelling is my new, unwashed jeans, as they definitely have a “new pant smell” to them, but he swears up and down that it’s condoms.  And I’m left here feeling… dirty.  Like Husband won’t touch me, if I don’t wash the traces of M off me.

I know this isn’t always going to be roses.  This has never been easy, balancing things between M and Husband and I.  M’s broken up with me once over it, because he worries about Husband, how he feels.  This was actually the first time I’d gone to M’s since we broke up and got back together again.  And I’m in a rather vulnerable place.

This did not help things.

My relationship with M

Well, I’ve posted about my husband – now it’s time to talk about M.

I actually met M on a dating site – I was mostly looking for friends on OK Cupid, but was open to seeing who was there, if anyone interesting enough caught my eye, dating wise.  M had messaged me back in February of this year, and we talked online for quite some time before meeting in person – we actually drifted out of touch for a little bit, but started talking more and more until we agreed that maybe we should actually meet up, which we did in early May.  He came to visit me, we wandered around town for hours and talked, and at the end of our date, he gave me a very chaste kiss and watched me ride off into the sunset on my dinky little moped.

It was after that that I decided I wanted to date him, if he was interested.  I really enjoyed that afternoon we spent together, and I wanted to see where things would go.  He lives an hour away from me, and so we knew we wouldn’t get to see each other much, but considering I’m married, and he was looking for a full time girlfriend, we figured a really casual arrangement would benefit us both.

It didn’t stay casual for long.  I fell for him.  HARD.  I don’t know what it was about him – it might have been the fact that we connect in different ways than Husband and I do.  It could be that we both love to draw, both love the same types of sci-fi TV shows, could be how patient he was with me being shy and awkward.  All I know is that I fell in love with him.

We spend almost every Sunday together.  We cook together, we watch movies, sometimes we go out and wander around the nearby malls, or go to arcades.  If there’s a good movie out that we want to see, we’ll go to the movies.  We enjoy all the time we get together, and when we’re not together, we talk online.  We send each other drawings.   We get on Skype sometimes, and watch each other work on artwork, or homework, or all sorts of things.

I wish we could spend more time together, but that’s the nature of how things are between us.  There’s too much distance, too many other obligations in the way.  But this is better than not having him in my life at all.