Is it because I’m not happy with my relationship with Husband? Is it because I’m sick of worrying when the next explosion with M will happen?
Or, with a happier viewpoint – is it because there’s something in me that has no finite amount of love, no limits on how many people I can care for?
Either way, I find myself falling for another man. We’ll call him A. There’s nothing majorly huge going on with A – at least, not at the moment. We have fun together. It’s drama-free fun, which is refreshing. We’re insanely attracted to each other, have had secret crushes on each other for quite some time. And I’ve discovered that I care about him – a lot. Nowhere near the frightening l-word that I’m pretty sure Husband thinks I just toss out like candy. But I’m… attached to A. We’ve told each other some of our deepest secrets, and neither of us have been scared away yet, so that’s a good thing. He’s very… guarded, though. Half the time, I can’t tell what he’s thinking, what he’s feeling. He’s said he cares about me, though. And I’ve been wrestling with this for days – especially since Thursday night, where we had some bad weather and he had to stay on my couch because he doesn’t do well driving in the snow. At first, Husband was upset about A having to stay over – then again, Husband was stressed from writing a paper, and was in a mood because of that. But since A stayed the night, we ended up seeing a number of sides of each other that I sure as hell don’t reveal to others. Like the side of me that hasn’t had coffee yet, with a serious case of bedhead, decked out in pajamas and a pink bathrobe. It’s strange. I still feel vulnerable, after all that.
I haven’t told Husband yet. I’m not sure how he’ll take it. I’m pretty sure he won’t react favorably – however, the fact that I’ve been taking things ridiculously slow with A may help my case. I dunno. Plus, A is a hell of a lot more… stable, I think, than M. Sure, M’s stable, too, but his financial situation is always a wreck and things always seem so… intense. It’s gotten us in trouble before. Maybe he’ll be okay with me having feelings for A. Maybe he’ll freak out and tell me he’s leaving me. I don’t know.
I do know that M will be upset. Really upset. He doesn’t like having to share me with Husband as it is, and does get jealous, even though he constantly says “I’m not allowed to get jealous.” I know how he feels. He doesn’t want anyone else taking away from the little bit of time we do get together, I think. And when I’ve mentioned A to him before, he’s definitely gotten jealous and then defensive. He doesn’t want me dating anyone else besides him, I don’t think. Hell, he gets jealous when I flirt with my girl friend, S, and mention that I’ve kissed her or something.
I don’t know. I just don’t know. This whole situation leaves my head hurting. I want to see where things go with A. I really like him. But I don’t want to piss off Husband or M in the process. And A and I are already in a situation that makes things weird, which I can’t really talk about without possibly losing the anonymous tone of this writing space.
Why can’t life just be uncomplicated? Why can’t I have a husband like S’s boyfriend, who is fine with his wife having multiple significant others? Why did I end up finding people I wanted to date after I got married, and not before, not when I’d told Husband I was polyamorous initially?