Last night ended up with Husband and I yelling at each other. He tells me I need to focus more on him. That I need to be more attentive to his needs. And I try. Dammit, I try. But how can I be attentive to his needs if he will not communicate them to me?
M and I are in… relationship hibernation right now. We don’t want to let each other go, but we know we can’t go on as we’ve done so far. Husband needs to know I am first in his heart. Husband needs it pounded into his brain, it feels like. And M, in his near-infinite patience, has stuck with me again, through another rough patch. But how many rough patches will he be around for? Will he decide that enough is enough, and go find a monogamous relationship, something that suits how he’s wired better? I mean, if that happens, yes, I’ll hurt, but I want him to be happy. I want him to not have to worry about whether his girlfriend’s husband is going to freak out about something little. I want him to be able to have someone who can do everything with him.
I also want Husband to realize that I love him, no matter what. No matter who else is in my life. I married him, after all. I wash his clothes, make the bed we sleep in, feed our tiny little pet fish when I remember, help cook meals with him, and listen to him rant when school is driving him crazy. I hug him close when he’s depressed, we ride our mopeds together when it’s nice out, and we snuggle together every morning before the alarm goes off.
I wish I could keep everyone happy.