Trying

I’m trying.  On a lot of things right now.

I’m trying to keep the lines of communication between Husband and I open.  I don’t know just how open he wants these lines to be – and part of what got me into this mess in the first place was thinking he didn’t want to know all the intimate details of me being intimate with M.  I guess I was wrong there.  But we’re trying to talk more.  I’m trying to be  more open.  And I’m focusing on his needs more.  Just have to remember to find the balance that keeps both our needs satisfied – because if I go focusing on his needs too much, then I’ll be neglecting myself, and things will not go well from there.

I’m trying to keep my chin up, when it comes to M.  This whole relationship hibernation thing has me… afraid, on edge.  I’m worried that when we re-evaluate things in mid-January, that things won’t continue.  That he’ll have had enough, and just try to find a non-poly relationship.  If that happens, I won’t lie – it’ll hurt.  But I want him to be happy.  If that happiness doesn’t include me, or only includes me as a friend, then so be it.  I care about him, so much, that I’m not going to force him to be with me just because I’m in love with him.  That’d be all sorts of fucked up.

Thankfully, we’re heading out of town soon, and I’ll be able to get some space from things.  Enjoy a change of venue.  We’re visiting Husband’s family for the holidays, and stopping by my mother’s on the way back home, at the tail end of our vacation.  It’ll be nice to get away from the drama and the stress, and hopefully return home with with a fresh mind and a healing heart.

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